And we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible.

This is what I would like to say to a certain friend of mine, and would if I could go back to the exact moment the comment was made, but now it seems pointless.

I met you in seventh grade and I have never, ever been ANYTHING but a kind, devoted friend to you. I was there for you through a lot of stupid bullshit, including but not limited to: you being downright mean behind my back and to my face, you laughing when people said mean things about me, you being a generally shitty, nasty person.. all because we were good friends once and I wanted to believe that you are an overall decent person.

Now I know you are, and you're almost more like a sister than a friend.

So when we have a conversation about you probably not ever getting married and I jokingly say "I'm right there with you," you DON'T say "Well, the law says you cant!"

You fucking tool, this is irrelevant. I'm not single, I don't feel that whole "wah wah I"m going to be alone forever" angst that you're understandably going through... BUT THAT IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE COMMENT. And if I WERE single and feeling that angst, that would NOT BE HELPFUL.  Even if you follow it up with "Oh, even though I totally think you should be able to... and at least you can go to Massachusetts!"

THANKS A LOT for enlightening. I had never really thought of my lack of legal rights when I signed up on the big gay bandwagon.

The worst part is that you acted like you could just blame it on drinking when you'd had one glass of wine.

And that I didn't even respond. 

And I have PLENTY to complain about, but it's all a bunch of repetitive bullshit, so half the time i'm: 1) too lazy to complain 2) too tired to complain 3) too annoyed to complain, or 4) too busy procrastinating complaining to complain.

I'm currently home on spring break, which is nice, although I would much rather be on a tropical island drinking myself silly on some cheesy tropical fruity drinks. Spring break came at a very good time. In the nick of time, really, because I thought I might be going crazy. I'm not sure if I like school, if I'm cut out for the whole school thing, etc. I think it comes down to loving the IDEA of something rather than the practice of it. While I love learning, reading, and writing... I hate being forced to do it. Which is ridiculous and eventually i need to grow the hell up, suck it up, and shut the f up....  but I guess being in school for 927398e7 years will do that to you. I am embarrassingly wasted potential and I know I can do better for myself, hate myself when I don't get straight A's, all that annoying bullshit... but, like most areas of my life, I don't bother changing. I talk myself out of thinking that it actually matters in the long run.  Also, while I"m very interested in what I'm learning, it hasn't helped me decide what I want to do. I am always afraid that like school, I like the idea of things rather than actually doing them. So that's my big school expose. I really hate that I know I have it pretty damn easy compared to some people. The only loans i had to borrow were for living expenses, at this point in my life  I can afford the time investment to go full-time to get my master's, etc. It's just kind of embarrassing that I don't stop to think about this every once in awhile and appreciate that I've been very lucky. Instead, I complain about how much damn work I have. This is one of the things I am the most immature about. I have dreams of getting a PhD and actually making it doing something, rather than putting minimal effort in, procrastinating just because I CAN put things off until the last minute with not much consequence aside from lack of sleep, etc. I know what is important is that i am learning, processing, absorbing.. but I can't shake this feeling that i'm totally bottom of the barrel, not as good/smart as everyone else, etc. Anyway, enough of that whiny BS.

I am in the process of looking for summer internships. This is an enormous pain in the ass, but it's a requirement to graduate (which is probably good becuase if you've learned anything about me in the aforementioned paragraph, it's that if I'm not forced to do anything, I very likely won't do it). Anyway, I hate interviews. I'm terrible at interrpeting people's reactions to me, and I don't dread them, lose sleep, freak out, or ANTHINg, until I'm sitting in that damn chair and they're asking me those trite questions. It sucks. So yeah, I had one last Thursday, and the job doesn't even sound all that interesting to be honest, but it's local and would be great for the resume and pays WELL (professional public service, shockingly, doesn't pay so well, even on the administrative side, imagine that). I never heard from her at all, which is what really pisses me off- I remember going to interviews right after college and getting the "we'll definitely let you know the next steps soon!" only to never hear again. At least a "no thanks" would be better than NOTHING. But I digress. I know it's only been a week but I'm figuring that's pretty much out. My next option is out in Fitchburg, which would be a real bitch of a commute, but the guy I've been talking to sounds really great and the organization offers just the types of services I'm interested in, so it might be worthwhile. I'm just terrified about how I'm going to pay rent and afford to eat even ramen this summer. I can't take out a school loan (if I'd known this, I would have accepted a higher loan at the beginning of hte year!) and most internships just don't have the capacity to pay. This whole process is so aggravating and time consuming, on top of everything else, and it just generally pisses me off.

In other news (god, i am boring!), I forgot that people actually DRINK on Saint Patricks day. I don't think I have, even in my raging alcoholic early college days. A friend of mine is going to the bars in the  afternoon  and invited me. This is bizarre, but I guess it's better than going out at night (I am getting old. Instead of finishing work and staying up late, I"l go to bed early and get up in the morning to do it.. likewise, I don't even really like sleeing in anymore, it makes me feel lazy).

Oh, I went to a hockey game last night with my parents. I love hockey. Not enough to acutally follow it and know the rules, but there is nothing like laughing at the WT in the audience and eating cotton candy while hockey fights break out. Loves it. Actually, my friend asked me tonight "Do all lesbians like hockey?" Yes, every single lesbian everywhere in the world loves hockey. I'm totally sure. Oy ve. She prefeced the question with "can I ask you a question?  I dont want to offend you!!"  which was the funniest part. So since Nikki is the only other lesbian I know (haha), I went to send her a text asking her, but instead sent it to a friend in my classes who had texted me that she needed help picking out a dress. "I really need your opinion on my dress!" "Do you like hockey?"  I lolled really hard when I realized what I'd done. Haha.

Oh my god, I am so boring.

Dear Microeconomics,

I HATE YOU.

No love,
Dana


Dear "renowned" author of microeconomics book,

Suck it long and hard, douchebag.

No love,
Dana

I am going to kill the douchebags who live below me.

I sleep like the dead, and their fucking loud ass shenanigans wake me up at least three times a week. At first I gave them the benefit of the doubt and thought "oh, they just don't realize how loud they're being."

But considering the fact that I can feel my hands vibrating on my computer, and my feet when they're on the floor.... I can't even imagine how loud it is in their apartment.

I want to yell but I'm afraid I will totally flip out and bring out the inner Italian i've been suppressing.

Instead, my girl and I are going to play hours and hours and hours of DDR this weekend. PReferably at 10 a.m., when they will undoubtedly be sleeping. And we're going to have really loud, obnoxious sex. And probably jump on the bed a lot too. Hear that baby?  Your birthday weekend is going to be really eventful if you dont tell me waht you want to do :)

FUCK YOU. Seriously. Stupid fucking college boys. Die already... and from hell, please complete my economics homework. K, thx.

Hence, (EDIT: my girlfriend has informed me that she is quite upset that i forgot the last movie i saw was Shrek the Third, with her. Duh!!!!  Sorry babe ;) )

I JUST QUIT MY JOB!!!!

I JUST QUIT MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I JUST QUIT MY MOTHER EFFING JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

...did i mention i quit?!?!?!?!

Two pieces of news:

1. I got an apartment in Northampton!  I am moving in a month!!!!exclaimation!!!point!!!!!!

2. I had the most wonderful weekend with my girl! We went  to PTown and had an amazing time!! The weather was fabulous. We got in a nice fender bender on the way there (like, within five minutes of PTown, what a tease) so that took awhile to resolve, but everything was fine and luckily we were not in pain. When the lady plowed into us, the car was still shaking from the impact and Nikki had already jumped out and was totally ready to get attitude. It was hilarious!  

Anyway, when we got there finally, around 3,  we had to destress in the room for a bit. Then we explored and basked in the gayness! We went to all the little stores with cheesy trinkets, got some lunch, people-watched (it was particularly interesting because it was Bear Week!!) and went on a trolly tour, which was totally fun. Then we walked around some more, had dinner, etc. By that time it was pretty late and since we're old ladies, we went back and went to bed.

Saturday we walked around some more and found an awesome beach!  At first I was like "where the hell is the ocean?" but we found a really good bay beach. There was some pool party type thing going on at hte hotel right behind the beach, so we got to listen to some tunes on the beach!  And we played frisbee, but we both suck at that and some sketchy guy kept watching us and asking us to throw it to him so we stopped. We went in a few times but Nikki held on to me hard enough to cut off my circulation... the little sneak was like "See? It just looks like we're being cute, not like I'm clinging to you for dear life because I'm terrified."  Hehehe. Some insecure guy came up to us and asked if he looked ridiculous in his Speedo. LOL! After a few hours we left because we're both white ass hoes and figured we were getting sunburned.

Thennnnnnnnnnnnnn we walked around some more, watched some of the street performers, etc. We went to see Kate Clinton that night and she was freaking hilarious.  Then we walked up and down Commercial Street for a long ass time deciding where to go eat. 

Anyway, PTown is awesome! And the pet owners there are crazier than me! I've never seen so many dogs and bicycles in my life. I love it!  I am still sad to be home and back to reality. And reality it is... fucking work and the very important people. Something stupid just happened but I'm not going to waste my time writing about it. It's stupid. I hate them!  I am giving my two week's notice on Friday!  And I can't wait! YOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could be back in Ptwon with my baby :(  But alas, I am not. How sad for me.

OMG some people really have balls. 

So, since it's summerish, we barely get any phone calls. An hour will often pass with the phone not ringing. So, this afternoon I got up to pee (god forbid) and when I came back the phone was ringing. I ran to get it, and it was one of the head honchos. He said "oh, it kept ringing and I couldn't get through." so naturally, I said "oh, I'm sorry about that." 

Well, he called back a few minutes later and asked to be transferred to my boss. And i just knew he was going to whine about me. And of course, my boss comes out a few minutes later.

"Just so you know, ___ called and said he couldn't get through earlier. He said it kept ringing and ringing, and 'all you said was oh i'm sorry.'"

EXFUCKINGSCUES ME? 

God forbid I get up to take a piss!  What is wrong with these people? They are so lame, calling and complaining to my boss that I didn't pick up the phone.. and I looked at the missed calls, "12:28, 12:28" and I picked it up at twelve fucking 29. Shithead. 

I can't stand how people are so nice to your face and they go out of their fucking pathetic little ways just to try and knock you down.

At least my boss knows it was bogus. "He's a dick," she said. HA! Well, he is. 

Would he have preferred if I said "oh, I'm sorry, my bladder was about to explode, which often happens around PMS time, and I figured, you know, with it being lunch time and all, I could safely assume that the phone might not ring for a minute and a half."

Or perhaps "Ooops, yeah, my arm couldn't stretch that far while I was sitting on the pot?"

I mean, I could have been answering another call, scheduling something while on the phone.. any number of things. So just because this fucktard thinks he's important, this is a problem?

I swear, everytime something like this happens I want to stomp all over my worthless Goucher diploma and kick everything and everyone in sight. 

Still can't find a job in MA, but I don't even care as long as I'm not here. Twatwaffles.

I get to see my girrrrrrrrrrrlie tomrorow though :) and we are going to Boston pride! YAY!!!! So excited!

OH my god. I can't believe it is "summer" again and I am in this office.

Here's my thing:

This job is so fucking mindless and easy. And I am NOT a person who likes things to sit around and clutter up my desk. collect dust, etc. before I do them. So essentially whenever I have a "project" it takes me an hour to complete, tops. I am an extremely fast worker.. I like to get things done ASAP, and if it's something that needs to get checked over, sure, I do that too. But yeah... I can't make the work "last," so I'm constantly bored. Seriously, even working in retail was more challenging than this. I know I shouldn't complain, because I get paid pretty well for just sitting on my ass and putting up with belittling, and answering a few phone calls every now and then. But this sucks. The fiscal year ended in April and now it's just totally and completely dead. I get like three phone calls an hour. And they're having an intern here this summer. WTF do they think she's going to do all day long?  She'd better not be sitting up here with me is all I can say, because then I can't read weird stuff online all day like I've been doing. Ugh. I just want to be challenged somewhat and not thing "Fuck you!" everytime I have to do one little stupid thing, because this job is making me even lazier than I am naturally, believe it or not.

I'm so excited!!! I'm going to Nikki's on Friday and Saturday we're going to Boston Pride!!  I haven't been to Boston since I was a kid, and I'm a total pride virgin so I'm sooooo "wicked" excited (gotta get ready for the MA lingo again, heheh, I will never let her live that word and her accent down).  Then she's coming up for NY Pride, which of course I haven't been to either.... I really wanted to go last year but, ya know, being a complete loser and having no friends to go with wouldn't have been too fun. And I wanted to go to Baltimore pride the year before but that didn't work out because it was right after school ended and I was stuck back here again. So yes!  Finally I get to go. I am crossing my fingers that I will not have a mini meltdown from the crowds. 

Yesterday my parents took me to brunch for my birthday (early, my dad is in San Francisco on business this week) at this really nice place about an hour away. It was right on the water and so pretty! If I get married I want it to be at a place like that. 

Speaking of getting married, I went to Marisa's last night. I've been seeing a lot of her and we've been getting along fine and dandy. I mean, not that we hadn't been.... our petty little hormonally charged fights ended in high school. I think we've both evolved, thankfully. We didn't do anything... just sat around and talked. Something shifted in the past few years, because I used to not feel like I could talk to her at all, but that's definitely changed. Supposedly we're supposed to start dress shopping soon... so not looking forward to that. She's actually turning out to be somewhat of a low maintenance bride... "I really wish it would just plan itself, I hate this stuff. I don't care about all these details."  I'm sure that'll change as the wedding gets closer, but thankfully i'll be in MA by that time.. LOL. Of course I'll help her though, that's what the maid of honor does. I think my biggest role is planning the bridal shower... ugh, I hate those things! The actual planning won't bother me but I HATE going to them... I think they're ridiculous. Oh, the dumb things you do to keep your friends happy. She gave me a DSW gift card for my birthday... hehehe, everyone knows I love me some shoes. 

And of course, speaking of shoes (and things that make me happy), my girl took me to DSW and had be pick out a pair of shoes when I visited last weekend- she is so sweet!  <3 I cannot wait to be in closer proximity to her! yay! We played mad libs on the phone last night and I couldn't come up with enough dirty words. Guess I'm slacking! lol

Seriously, the phone rang ONCE while I've been writing this. I want to kick something, I am so freaking bored. Lalalalallalalalalala.  I need some coffee.. but the coffee here sucks ass. It tastes like poopy shit. I want dunks!! Oh well, I'll live. I'm getting really nervous about school. I've been "denied" for the assistantships I've applied for so far without actually even talking to anyone, and I don't know how I'm going to pay for this shit. Haven't heard a peep from financial aid about loans, etc. I guess it's still kind of early but I'm tweaking over here. And the more it starts to feel real, the more I start getting cold feet... cuz that's how I roll. Oh well. I'll survive!

Gross, I have to be here for another 4 hours and 50 minutes. I get a lunch break but it's raining and yucky and there's nothign to do besides go to the mall and spend money, which I don't think is too wise. I want to have some money to spend at pride and on my girl and all! So alas, I will be good and just walk around or something.

You know what's funny? The concept of "friending" people on livejournal. Some people make these big old entries saying "please remove me from your friends list." Uh, okay? I wasn't aware of the politics of livejournal, but it's pretty funny. There's that little part of you that goes "huh? What did I do?" but the rest just lolz.

I should start writing again. I have plenty of time while I'm sitting here, I just can't make myself do it. I always wrote about the same shit anyway. Repressed lesbians and really fucked up relationships. They even depressed me. People in my classes must have thought "ugh, just come out of the closet already, moron." True story.

So, it's story time!  It's not a good story, however.

Okay, so there's a softball team here at work, we play on Thursday nights against other companies, for fun. I have not hit the ball yet, but that's not the point. Point is, I'm actually hanging out after work with some of these people, which I never thought I'd do. Anyway, the other team is inevitably filled with buff gals and guys who are my age, while my office is composed of me, the youngest, and people 20 years older than me. So we lose, every week, but it's still fun. 

Anyway, last night as I was driving to the game I had this really weird feeling that I was going to come out to some coworkers, particularly one, an admin I've been very friendly with who seems like a nice lady. She's probably in her early 30s and we shoot the breeze from time to time. A few weeks ago she told me that she saw Rent on broadway and loved it. So I figured she'd at least be queer friendly, if not queer positive. 

I came to the conclusion that I wanted to come out to people at work because as I was standing in the kitchen deciding what to order next, I realized that whenever someone asked me what I did that weekend, I say "Oh I went to Massachusetts." "You have a friend there?" "Yeah."

What I want to say is "No, she's not a friend. She's my girlfriend and I love her very much." These people talk about their husbands and boyfriends and whatnot with me all the time, even if it's just in passing. And what do I have to say? "Oh, my friend and I..."

Half of me thinks they've already figured it out. When there is a "hot" guy in a video conference I'm not all over it like they are, running in to see. Some of them, in making conversation, will say "Going to massachusetts this weekend?" They must either know or be pretty baffled by me. 

Anyway, I was feeling brave so I was just going to mention it casually. Even if it didn't go so well, I'm leaving in August anyway, and I figured it'd be fine.

So I get to the field, and the girl I was talking about (who I was going to tell) was teasing one of our coworkers. The convo went something like th.s

N: Geez, last week he was late for the game because he was busy shopping at the mall, this week he's worried about his hair and wearing short shorts..."
(other coworker): What do you call that? Metrosexual?
N: Ugh, more like borderline fag.

Needless to say, that conversation didn't happen. 

Fuck 'em, though. Seriously. With a goddamned chainsaw.